Eko gym and Spa

There is nothing like coughing up the money for a years membership to re-dedicate you to the cause of working out.
Have been religiously doing my hour and a half for a week now and must say I am enjoying it. I must admit though I was willing to sneak in under the radar for as long as possible before paying up again but got caught, it went a little something like this.

I bounced in last Monday and the security guard hissed at me to come and sign in.....you know that HEYHISSSSSSSS piercing thing you hear as soon as you touch down in Murtala Mohammed airport. I have always been of the opinion that it should only be used on dogs and other household pets and have always refused to answer to it. In fact, I remember an incident in Brent cross shopping center when my mum (who used to wind me up by doing it in front of Oyinbos) was waiting at the check out at M&S, I was carrying her handbag clear across the shop and she tried to gain my attention by doing this. I pretended not to hear her so she had to get out of the queue and come and get me. She was furious and said "didn't you hear me calling you" to which I replied "No sorry, were you calling my name?" that was how I conditioned her out of it and I get a shiver down my spine of annoyance everytime someone attempts to gain my attention in such a degrading manner.
So back to the hissing security guy. I swanned by like he didn't exist so he gave chase, I was irate and refused to sign in and carried on upstairs. He went to report me to management which was his second mistake of the morning. The manager at the gym is not my biggest fan as I am forever telling him off for being a little twit and having crap staff. When he came to see who the culprit was I do recall he stumbled a little when he realised it was none other than I the number one complainer he had come to see.

I went into a long one about how these people need to develop some manners and just coz I don't look like some old madam does not mean you should try and disrespect me in my free time!!!

After profusly apologising he swanned off and I can only imagine what went through his mind coz five mins later he is standing next to me as I ploughed away at the cross trainer looking very proud of himself. "Madam" he says " your membership has expired" CRAP!!!! How totally annoying. I refuse to act cowered, "Fine I will sort it out tomorrow". He still loiters not sure what for..."what part of tomorrow did you not understand?" Horrid guy. I know he though for a second or two about forcibly ijecting me from the premises but I totally ignored him, driving my point home by pelting out the words linkin parks "Numb".

Fire fire everywhere

When it rains it pours or in this case when your friend reports a fire in their home, they all do.

I just get fed up of hearing bad news sometimes and for some reason I am hearing alot about the near misses of dear and loved ones from fire.

I have found in Nigeria that along with general musings about how the infrastructure is just not up to par there is a very real failing of the state to protect its citizens. I am not exaggerating when I say I live in fear of quite a lot of "what if" scenarios due to a lack of emergency services.

I will not go into details but I did have a huge medical emergency occur at my house, the likes of which I hope to NEVER be involved with again, and when the boy called the emergency services we were told to get the person to the hospital our selves aka no ambulance service. I think I have already waxed lyrical on the lack of police protection, so you are totally on your own with anything like a home invasion, kidnapping or car jacking and will defo not have any kind of CSI type investigation to find the culprit and get justice. Woe betide us if we ever have any type of natural disaster in the Lagos tristate area coz we are not equipped to cope. Then I go to FIRE. I am yet to see a fire truck whizzing by me to help anyone in need (certainly no hunky men in uniforms and defo no sales of fab calenders) and have often witnessed the 'stand around helpless, solution to people losing their livelihoods etc

I heard about an office block that was left to burn for days till it was all over, still not sure my friend was not exaggerating this however.

What is winding me up though is the general consensus that the reason for most of these fires (proven fact in some cases) is the fact that our electricity supply is so bloody unreliable. Its not so much the switching on and off (sometimes up to 6 times in 15 mins!!!!) Its the variation in voltage. This has led many, myself included, to invest in all sorts of nifty devises that promise to surge protect your electrical gadgets, some of which are very dear to our hearts (RIP hot pink IPOD). What are you supposed to do however if the electrician who wires your house in the first place is some sort of yahoo who does a piss poor job and thereby is accessory to the attempted slow roasting of you in your sleep!!! Like I said I live in fear and ardent prayer!!!!!

P.s. don't get me started on my gas cooker and training my staff on how to use the fire extinguishers!!!

Fashion TV yum yum

I am addicted and its driving everyone in my house crazy. The pickni has taken to dropping the remote control in my hands and demanding I put on cbbc for her, the boy has stopped complaining!!!

I was so inspired by the Milan fashion week I called up my tailor and commissioned (bit lofty a word for the negotiations but I like the way it sounds) about 6 outfits to be made. Have decided to channel my inner Carrie and just make some fashion forward pieces and rock them. This is the best time really. The tailor has come she has measured you, I allow myself a smug feeling as my gym routine is clearly paying off....finally, and she has drawn all types of fab outfits and made all kind of wild promises. You spend the next few days imagining yourself in your fantastic print play suit at lunch with your girls and can't help a little thrill of excitement.

Then you go collect the stuff and you find out that its never as fantastic as you imagined. This is why I am on my hundredth tailor. This girl I got from a friend and I have seen her stuff before and it all seemed fantastic. Fingers crossed she delivers and then there will be non stopping me!!!

Inverter is up the creek

This one will be a hard one for some to get their head around but those of us living with erratic electricity will know exactly where I am coming from. I am incapable of making light (haha) of this coz right now I have a knot in my stomach the size of which I have not felt since my diploma presentation (which I had to have a couple of shots before to perform).

Those of you living out of the erratic electricity zone can never understand the kind of strategic planning you incorporate into your day to day so some examples may help.
After I get back from the gym I stall before having my shower coz I know the generator is coming on at noon and I do not want to get dressed in the heat and if I want to wash and dry my hair the same goes.
The guy who comes to iron our clothes is on a strict schedule to ensure he maximises the daytime gen slot.
Anything I want to quickly microwave, blend, boil in the kettle or toast can only happen at certain times of the day.
All electronics that need charging must be done when you have PHCN or gen electricity (mobile phones, laptops and baby DVD players), as I have found the inverter charging is not so good for the batteries.
There was a time when we did not have a dedicated generator in the building for the lifts and I, as well as many other people I know, had to plan when to leave home and come back so that the lifts would be working.....not to mention planning for when your guests can arrive as nobody likes climbing stairs in this heat for fun!!!!!

At night, when I say my prayers, I usually thank the Lord for a few inanimate things in my life and my inverter is one of them. Its a battery that charges on electricity when we have light (which I must admit is quite good in my compound) and switches on seamlessly when the light goes. It carrys my TV and the fans the computer and importantly the fridge and freezer. But since about December last year it started acting up so we changed the batteries and all has been sweet and well in my household UNTIL TODAY.
It has started acting up again and only lasted at last monitoring about 2 hours and hence the reason for my knot in my stomach. My pickni is a good person but if the a/c or fan is not soothing the fevered brow NOBODY gets any sleep. Going to get on it tomorrow but in the meanwhile fingers crossed eh.

If my mama was reading this she would tell me (bless her) that I pray for the wrong things. In this case she is probably right. I should be praying for the government to do the right thing. It makes no sense at all that Ghana next door has light 24/7. It makes no sense at all that while I am watching Hurt Locker all I can think about is that even in a war torn country they have bloody LIGHT IN THEIR HOUSES!!! It makes no sense that with all the natural wealth we have in my country we are still living under these conditions.....not sure who to blame really but I for one am fed up.

Sandra and Jesse

I wasn't going to do this coz really its none of my business but I have been sleeping all day (non drowsy anti nausea tablet my black ass). Its past 2 in the morning and I am wide awake.

Really Jesse it's not on. My objections are as follows..... I thought he wasn't good enough for my Sandra in the first place but over time he made us re-evaluate so many things. I had to consider that 'never judge a book by its cover' was not some annoying old wives tale. I take pride in my shallowness and if its not shiny and new on the outside I am tres unlikely to delve any deeper. Despite all his tattoos (not saying I don't find them attractive but I am a fan of moderation), his dodgy skin and general gruff exterior he was making our Sandy happy. My girl was glowing and smiling all over the place. Most importantly I thought she was not announcing it to all the world, this quiet happiness has always led me to believe that its just so fabulous at home that the couple don't want to jinks it by making it a public thing, thereby always succeeding in making me extra jealous.

Jesse James single handedly made a whole load of hotties the world over consider the not so hot guy and consider things like personality and loyalty humpf.

Did you see the girl he had an affair with? Now that I know that 'don't judge a book by its cover' is in FACT an old wives tale I am feeling free to say OMIGOSH what is this world coming too. Sandra (le goddess) can be pushed over for something that looks like that??? Is there any point girls really? My new years resolution was to stop with the lazy fine girls syndrome and actually make effort with the hair, makeup and going to the gym but really IS THERE ANY POINT!!!!

Poor Sandra is probably looking in the mirror right now thinking how did this happen. She was slumming for crying out loud. He was lucky to have her!!! She was never supposed to be in this situation. At least when Brad did this he traded up (YES HE DID I am team Jolie) so Jen can shrug her shoulders and say "not my fault".

My advice to all you hotties out there.....never slum it!!! These men will break your heart anyway so you may as well be getting 100% satisfaction and get the aesthetics while your at it.

Nigerian immigration service not such a nightmare

I suppose you could say we cheated having paid someone to make sure we did not spend the whole day hanging around with the masses but actually since the last time I came (baby's passport took the best part of 13 hours!!!) it seems to have improved by leaps and bounds. They have covered up the waiting areas so the poor masses are not sitting outside in the relentless sun and there seems to be a sense of getting everything done efficiently and quickly. Well done NIS!!!

Kelechi Odu's fab collection

Temple muse has done it again. They have mastered the art of organising a fantastic night of fashion, drink (last nights sexy vodka mixes yum),lovely food (those cupcakes are to die for) and interesting people, am I taking liberties putting myself in that category....probably.

Last night was in honour of American based Kelechi Odu a menswear designer. He showcased his Safari remix collection. Aptly named me thinks as the colour scheme was very natural browns and khakis and light linen material. Fantastic jackets, shirts and well made trousers. I always feel menswear can be tricky because how much can you really do with a jacket and a pair of trousers but as I discovered yesterday its all about the cut and attention to detail and getting a colour scheme that works and I am pleased to say that Kelechi is not going to lead you astray.

The Brucey bargain bonus is you get your clothes made to order so they will fit you impeccably and give you that extra confidence. I loved it. Give us more give us more I say. We need to be nurturing our homegrown talents so that Nigeria has not just got this one dimensional personality worldwide.

Traffic = Armed robbery

Friday was the worst traffic we have had in the lasgiddy tri state area for ages. I feel like I have been spoilt recently with school runs taking only 30 mins door to door but Friday, good lord, I have not seen anything like it.

I already mentioned my car air conditioning was not working (got it fixed on Saturday thanks for your concern)so not only was I stuck in that traffic, making a 2 mile journey in just over an hour, but I was sweating like I stole something.

What I want to know is what caused it? I heard there was a fire in Onikan but am not sure how that causes the whole island and Ikoyi to be stagnant.

I just know the rainy season is going to be unbearable. I got forwarded a warning apparently from the Lagos state authorities about how to prepare for the rainy season but what I want to know is how are they preparing our city for the rainy season?
The drainage system on the roadways would be a good place to start to reduce the flooding and stop all the breakdowns and traffic. It seem so simple to me. I would rather not have all the Christmas decorations and that huge budget could free up strategic problem spots in the metropolis. We really don't have the luxury as a country to be spending money on frivolities when there are so many necessities that need sorting.

But I digress. I then hear that with most of Lagos like sitting ducks in the worst traffic of 2010 armed robbers were out in force. Still unconfirmed but I must admit if I was a criminal mastermind (yes if I was a criminal I would be a mastermind AND I would be smoking hot at it too) and I heard about the traffic (police not out and no one would do anything as we don't seem to breed have a go heroes in Nigeria) I would have my team (yes I would organize in teams!!!) out there robbing and pillaging surely there should be some sort of police plan to protect the citizens in such situations??? I despair.

a/c in my car broken

Its the hottest year in recorded history in Africa and my bloody car air conditioner packed up last night. Have done the school run without it and the hairdressers and frankly its not for me. The driver tried to put on the radio this morning and I was like "please switch it off with all the other noises I am being bombarded with (what with the window being open) I am not in the mood for anymore. He switched it off immediately and without so much as bashing an eyelid let me know that he thought I was being extra!!!

The noise is one thing that can be tuned out with concentration but the SMELLS now that's another thing entirely. My country stinks to put it mildly and the smells are not subtle and confusing but full and bold and nose hair singeing. Anyway have called the hubby and his car shall be here soon for the rest of my running around today. I don't know how people do it!!!!

Lunch at Southern sun...must stop afternoon drinking

I really have got to stop my afternoon drinking its just not the same as drinking in the evening. My capacity is severely reduced and before long I have visual and speech impairment (my hubby says I go all British with a lisp which he thinks is really cute)and can't concentrate for more than one min on a topic of convo. Need to apologise to my girl who had to put up with my drunken rambling.

Now about lunch at the Southern sun. I am already a fan of their Sunday brunch its a buffet and can be supplemented with you know, champagne. Nice environment and so far very good service. I am pleased to say the same can be said for the lunch time service. We ate from the a la carte even though there was a buffet because I had been hearing rave reviews about the burger. Please to say it went down a treat. This did mean though that after drunkenly collecting the pikni from her play date with her grandma I came home and crashed at 6pm and did not wake again till about 10pm (quick brush teeth and wash face and I was horizontal again).

I just hope my work out this morning burnt the layer of fat I must have built up over night!!!!

Back at the gym

Started on Monday, Hurrah but hurt all over. Diet on the other hand not going so well. I am just trying to eat more sensibly, you know no carbs at night and no more coke.......but just the fact that I have decided to cut down has caused me to get shakes and headaches and feel faint!!!!
What's a girl to do?

Grrrr the Oscars

It happens every year I watch the oscars, you've got to hand it to them the celebrities bring their A game when it comes to entertaining themselves, and get annoyed at all the movies winning prizes so I don't know if the best man/woman won ra ra ra. Back in the days when I was young and foolish I would usually hold a grudge against the movie and not watch it for years as it ruined my viewing pleasure but ever since the Piano (watched it years later and loved it so much it was like an obsession) I took the view that I was only punishing myself by not watching any film that got nominated and especially the ones that one. Cut to 2010.

I was so shocked at James Cameron missing out on the best director movie for Avatar which I LOVED to some random movie called Hurt locker that I had to get it and watch ASAP. Must say I was not amused. I get it it was low budget and therefore brilliant and deep etc etc but Kathryn Bigelow did not spend the best part of a decade making her movie, nor did she change how movies are going to be made from this point on nor did she have that beautiful boy (Sam Worthington I think his name is) saying "I've got this" in a sexy voice all over the place. Sorry I guess its about time a woman won but only if we deserved it!!!

Also my humble opinion but that film precious how horribly depressing. When you have a pikni at home you probably shouldn't watch stuff like that it just makes you want to lock them up at home!!! Horrid horrid horrid.

Mothers day at Taras house of horrors

I feel bad writing this now coz I did eventually get fed and watered and ended up enjoying the show but I shall just transcribe what I was writing yesterday so you know how mal treated I was.

Date: Mothers day
Venue: House of Tara
Start time on invitation 2pm
In actuality people are probably still waiting for it to commence.
I get it this is lasgiddy, we just get everywhere late but as I write this is 4pm and the show still hasn't bloody started.

Anyone who knows me very well knows I don't do well when I am hungry and other than a bowl of cereal this morning I have had nothing to eat. I guess you could say at this point that I have lost my sense of humor.
They have just passed around some water which just may stop me from fainting the juries out. What am I still doing here I hear you ask and I would say its a little bit of work. I am not amused. I have a horrible feeling that everyone but me knew this thing was not going to start till 4. Tara herself is swanning around without the guilty frazzled look of someone who's show is now running 2 hours late. As my hypoglycemia gets to the point when my hands have started to shake I cannot help but be resentful of the whole vicious circle that has caused us to get to this point.

Everyone knows if you want your party to starts at 6 you tell people from 4. If you want someone to get to your house on time you tell them a good half an hour before. Usually I would say that yes with our horrid infrastructure and therefore unimaginable traffic sometimes its out of your hands but today is a Sunday people was it truly necessary. Tell people half and hour before and get on with the show if people miss it that's their problem and hopefully they will not make that mistake again.

The small chops get to me just as my headache kicked in so that's all she wrote.

The christmas staff conspiracy

I am stealing this from someone else really but I think its true. When you get staff from an agent (and I am not talking about those agents with a computer and an office I mean those people who are just staff who know other people who they bring to your house)they never stay with you for long no matter how well you treat them and they especially like to disappear at the end of the year so you have to fork out more money to the agent for replacements. Its all totally win win for them.

Christian Slater back on TV

He has been a disappoint since he blew us away with Untamed heart but this is not so bad.
The forgotten directed by Jerry Bruckheimer (no idea how to spell that)
If you still have a soft spot for him get tucked in.

DSTV

I would not blame you for thinking after reading the title that I was going to bitch about just how annoying it is to pay for "cable" and STILL have nothing to watch.  If you are not a fan of reality television or sports then once you've heard the news for the day you're stuck. I would like you then to imagine my horror when I scrolled around to ye olde faithful 'crime and investigation'&lovingly called the 'hot gist channel' in my house and found it E30 scrambled.  I found this to be so on the Disney channel but as CBBC was keeping the pikni busy I wasn't too concerned.

I must admit to foolishly thinking it would rectify itself so I let the situation linger for about 3 days in the meanwhile hearing from others that it was happening to them.  Day 4 I gave multichoice a call straight to option 5 to talk to an operator.  This is where it all went pear shaped.  I went through the usual hoopla, go to this channel press this button routine, I am sending a signal and lo and behold my beloved C&I was back.

This blissful state was maintained for all of 24 hours before it disappeared again.  I called back and the above situation was repeated.  Two days later its was gone again.  I called back with barely restrained Patience now and what follows is the conversation I had with the "helpful" customer service girl.

"Hi, my customer number is xyz and I am Mrs blah blah this is the third time I am calling coz my C&I and Disney channel are scrambled."
"There seems to be no problem from here it may be coming from the point of origin"
"Every time I call you guys you manage to rectify the situation so I am pretty sure that's not the case.  I'm just done calling you guys every other day so how can we make this permanent."
"Hold on a second ma (pause) I see.  C&I is no longer a 24 hours channel"
"YOU WHAT when did this happen?"
"I'm not sure ma"
"So when does it come on?"
"I don't know ma"
"What do you mean you don't know"
Silence
"Are you trying to tell me that there is a channel on my television that comes on when it feels like it with no broadcasting schedule?"
"I have no information ma"
"Do you think I didn't go to school or something?  Does it make sense to you?  Even in the days of NTA 2 channel five you knew what time it came on...5pm.
Silence
"Can you put on someone with a brain please I am done with this conversation.  You have my number right?  When someone with a brain is available get them to call me back I want this sorted out."
Luckily Ms Brain called me back and sorted it all out.
I could not help it I had to give a little lecture.
I suggested she told Ms Helpful that rather than lying and assuming she is dealing with someone with less brains than she has she should instead assume the opposite coz more likely than not she would be right.  There is no harm in solving a problem by finding someone better qualified to deal with it.
No need to lie just say "you don't know".

The orange light debate

I don't know about you all but one of the many reasons I HATE driving in Lagos is the Police and LASMA.

Picture if you will a Monday morning, running late as usual, am driving my baby to school and traffic is hideous as always. I get to the junction just as the light is turning, suddenly seemingly out of nowhere jump three police people who surround my car. I immediately start to shake my head coz I know what they are going to say and the light was not red.

I wind down my window a crack, I learnt not to open my window too wide the hard way but that's another story. I am bombarded by screaming and insults!!! Honestly I don't function too well before midday so I just sit there shaking my head repeating as if in a daze "the light was orange" and "stop shouting at me".

One of the policemen (disturbingly in plain clothes with no visible ID) takes to hitting the side of my car, probably to snap me out of my monologue. This wakes me up a tad and I turn to him and tell him to stop hitting my car as he is scaring my child, who bless her is looking suitably wide eyed and traumatised. At this point I think they decide to leave me alone because I certainly do not intend to start begging and negotiating at that time in the morning especially as I have done nothing wrong.

As I carry on to school though I become aware of a slow burning in my stomach. I am now filled with righteous indignation. I don't care if I had jumped a red light I am not sure it warrants that type of abuse in the early mo mo!!! I wish I had just run them over now!!!

Policemen/armed robbers same number on my 'why I hate driving in Lagos' scale.

They ran out of suya

The Polo tournaments have kicked off and I am loving the whole put on a fab dress and act posh thing but last Sunday they ran out of SUYA. I wish I knew how to make sure that did not happen again........its unacceptable.

Proud mama

My mother-in-law was flicking through a magazine with my baby on her knee entertaining themselves you know how we do when she suddenly exclaims "look, he looks like your daddy".

Out of curiosity I glance over and my girl is pointing to a picture of Denzel Washington!!!! I LOVE IT!!! Far be it for me to suggest that the product of her womb, her last born and love of her life does not resemble the great man. Too funny.

Pizza not pasta

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a whore for food. My husband tells anyone who will listen how he clinched the deal using food.

Please understand that I am a great fan of the lasgiddy tri-state area, I am not one of those returnees who wants to constantly unfairly compare Lagos to an NYC or a London but there are some gold standards of service that should be maintained period.

Manuella residence is the only place to get a decent pizza in VI in my humble opinion especially if you are not a fan of the deep pan American type pizza. Although I have already resigned myself to outrageous waiting times and overinflated prices the straw finally broke the camels back last week.

Picture if you will a lunchtime sojourn to Manuellas with my BFF and the cousin who has not been home for over 10 years. We wisely directed him to have the pizza but for some reason madness makes me order the tortellini with spinach and ricotta.
Starter perfect
Pizza perfect
Wine not award winning
Tortellini hard as a rock.

I first complain to the waitress and just coz she looked so confused I send her with the plate to the chef (I am convinced my tortellini is showing signs of having been in a microwave). She comes back saying "that how the meat is supposed to be". After calmly explaining spinach and ricotta can in no way be described as meat I ask to see the manager.

We get carried away chatting so its almost half an hour before we notice we have not seen the manager so we have to go extract her from her comfy seat in the corner of the totally empty but for us restaurant.

I think this is were I explain that I have had this dish in many places from the traditional recipe at my friend Christina's at her beautiful mountain home up in Lake Como (yes it is Gods country and George Clooney's house, what you can see from the road, is amazing) not to mention a fab Italian on Bleaker street in NYC so I know what it should taste like. Why was my girl from management trying to convince me that its all in my head. When I wasn't going for it she told me that seeing as they no longer make it fresh on site I may not be used to how its tasting. Our boy from the overs tried to explain that it really didn't matter, all she should be trying to do is fix the problem. Other than sarcastically suggesting that we were trying to force an apology from her (i think his words at this point was please keep you apology and fix the problem she is the customer) she was not willing to do anything about it.

I get infuriated by this type of service and despite my leaving a plate of food we still paid for it. I do not know why I put up with that type of service. It should not be tolerated. I got me an online recipe and shall be making my pizza and pasta at home from now on and I suggest you do the same.