I was on the way back from the Gym today, on a new body sculpting regimen that is kicking my ass, so was not at my best. In the periphery I just got the impression that something strange was going on outside. I took a minute to work out what it was and it just seemed that all the street hawkers were doing a rabbit caught in the headlights routine. One minute they were ambling leisurely in my direction (its damn hot so the pace is normal) then they would stop, squint, pivot and belt it back the other way. It was a pitiful sight actually, there was this one woman with her baby on her back and fresh bread on the head but what I really noticed was the abundant breast swinging all over the place. Ou est la bra? I wanted to shout at her, but as you will soon see this was the least of her problems!!!! Having just come from the gym at this point one may have assumed that the eau de sweat I was giving off was a tad overpowering , upon turning around, however I saw a KAI (Kick against indiscipline) truck about 5 cars back and all became clear.
A little history (what a joke I have no idea but I will try and put it in prospective). Nigerians as a race have a reputation for being undisciplined. I am not talking just about in the huge important ways but also in small ways where they live like normal rules of conduct do not apply to them. Example......Cutting in line, not observing road traffic rules (they never wanna let you off the round about) and if we had bothered to follow the rest of the world, we would smoke right under a no smoking sign, its just the type of people we are. Ours is a country were many a times some long suffering landlord will have to paint a sign on the wall that says "please do not piss or defecate here!" If I have my facts right (haha) President Babangida (military ruler) started a movement called 'War against indiscipline'. I was away at school at the time but I remember my brother used to regale me with stories about unfortunate people hijacked mid pee and taken to jail!!!
So KAI, their job involves picking up illegal traders, so our streets can be clear of vermin. I despair though coz honestly I prefer them to at least be trading rather than car jacking etc. I just don't know how these people can get reintegrated into society!!!
My driver though was telling me that so long as you pay them in advance they will give you a heads up of when they will be in your area so you won't be etc etc. Corruption then has managed to get its tentacles into this organisation. Typical.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Those horrid horrid people at the british embassy
The title says it all. I used to be a pharmacist and so had to gain some very effective customer service skills. I can't begin to tell you how irate some patients get when they get to the dispensary and their medication is not ready. I think you can imagine that they have had a nasty day and all they want to do is get home and you are telling them there is a 30 min to 1 hour wait time. At this point you are most certainly in danger of physical bodily harm so letting the patient understand that you are doing ALL you can to get them home ASAP is vital.
The people at the British embassy have got it all wrong as far as I am concerned. They are performing a service for you (which you pay for) and therefore you are a customer. Why is it, please tell me that they manage to make you feel like something nasty they have to scrape off their shoe? It is most upsetting. I have never met a more annoying set of uptight, unhelpful, brain dead (I'm not allowed to swear so I'm a little lost for words here).
It's supposed to take 10 working day. I gave my passport in for a simple change of name last month it's still not ready and nobody is trying to make sure its ready for my flight in a few days time. Quelle horrer!!!! Where do they find these inbred people from????? I reckon Nigeria must be a punishment type assignment for embassy personnel as nobody seems happy to be there!!! horrid horrid people.
The people at the British embassy have got it all wrong as far as I am concerned. They are performing a service for you (which you pay for) and therefore you are a customer. Why is it, please tell me that they manage to make you feel like something nasty they have to scrape off their shoe? It is most upsetting. I have never met a more annoying set of uptight, unhelpful, brain dead (I'm not allowed to swear so I'm a little lost for words here).
It's supposed to take 10 working day. I gave my passport in for a simple change of name last month it's still not ready and nobody is trying to make sure its ready for my flight in a few days time. Quelle horrer!!!! Where do they find these inbred people from????? I reckon Nigeria must be a punishment type assignment for embassy personnel as nobody seems happy to be there!!! horrid horrid people.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Who's land is it anyway
Its hard to explain the lack of town planning in the Lagos tristate area. Parking outside of any major establishment is the cause of so much drama and road rage. This is one of the many reasons why most people need a driver. He drops you where you need to go, finds somewhere nearby to perch your car, plays musical cars with any other person at your establishment and then you call him to come get you when you are done.
This being Nigeria the local element have found a way to capitalise on this and they come out in their droves to "helpfully" park your car and "look after it" while you are in say the club or the cinema. You may have noticed the inverted commas....Let me tell you why.
I say helpfully coz most of these people can't drive, they yell all sorts of instructions at you and physically assault your car in their bid to get you parked. I hate parking and I am often get myself in quite a state trying to squeeze my car into a space my big toe couldn't get into. Now when you are reversing out into traffic they leap out there and stop the traffic so that you can get out. Or so you think. I was being directed to come out and I was doing so slowly but must admit I could see nothing of the oncoming traffic. The first I knew that I should not have taken this perfect strangers advice was when my car hit some other chaps. Luckily for me that day I was in some hot pants (I know but its just so damn hot) with big hair and big sunnys so when I came out looking like the heroine in a tragic movie saying "I am so sorry" the bloke took one look at me, shook his head in despair and got back into his car and drove off. Clearly he knew there would be no satisfaction gained from yelling at the dizzy girl so he left it!!!
Back to the parking. Often when you have come out of an establishment (this was silverbird cinemas on this particular day) you get into your car and it's immediately surrounded by the local talents claiming they helped you park and fought off a gang of car jackers on your behalf. Then you have to start looking for a suitable size tip for all their hard work. My driver usually directs me as to who the real "helpful" person was and then, if I have change, I give them a little something something. On this day in particular the chap was being terrible obnoxious and rude (they are borderline this all the time really they have an air of entitlement) my driver got so upset he finally told the guy to "clear out my friend, is it by force to give you money? What did you do" The guy was threatening us with never finding parking in the lasgiddy tristate area when my driver cut in with "Is this your land". I don't know why I thought this was so funny but I was laughing the whole way home.,
This being Nigeria the local element have found a way to capitalise on this and they come out in their droves to "helpfully" park your car and "look after it" while you are in say the club or the cinema. You may have noticed the inverted commas....Let me tell you why.
I say helpfully coz most of these people can't drive, they yell all sorts of instructions at you and physically assault your car in their bid to get you parked. I hate parking and I am often get myself in quite a state trying to squeeze my car into a space my big toe couldn't get into. Now when you are reversing out into traffic they leap out there and stop the traffic so that you can get out. Or so you think. I was being directed to come out and I was doing so slowly but must admit I could see nothing of the oncoming traffic. The first I knew that I should not have taken this perfect strangers advice was when my car hit some other chaps. Luckily for me that day I was in some hot pants (I know but its just so damn hot) with big hair and big sunnys so when I came out looking like the heroine in a tragic movie saying "I am so sorry" the bloke took one look at me, shook his head in despair and got back into his car and drove off. Clearly he knew there would be no satisfaction gained from yelling at the dizzy girl so he left it!!!
Back to the parking. Often when you have come out of an establishment (this was silverbird cinemas on this particular day) you get into your car and it's immediately surrounded by the local talents claiming they helped you park and fought off a gang of car jackers on your behalf. Then you have to start looking for a suitable size tip for all their hard work. My driver usually directs me as to who the real "helpful" person was and then, if I have change, I give them a little something something. On this day in particular the chap was being terrible obnoxious and rude (they are borderline this all the time really they have an air of entitlement) my driver got so upset he finally told the guy to "clear out my friend, is it by force to give you money? What did you do" The guy was threatening us with never finding parking in the lasgiddy tristate area when my driver cut in with "Is this your land". I don't know why I thought this was so funny but I was laughing the whole way home.,
Rain rain go away
I'm sure the farmers won't agree coz the rainy season has been decidedly absent thus far but it has come with a vengeance. It looked like a white out this afternoon and I had a glasses contact lens emergency that sent me to the optician. I could see the traffic on the major roads but I thought as I was only going 200 yards down my road and not hitting any major arterial roads it would be all good. How wrong was I? I took me a solid hour to get there. The flooding was terrible. Just glad my air conditioning was working and I had packed a book. This is it you know the beginning of the next few months of misery!!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
WAZOBIA mango story
I remember when I first came to Nigeria I actually couldn't understand the DJ's on wazobia (Come come come in the 3 main local dialects Yoruba, Hausa and Igbo in that order, clever I always thought). They speak proper pigeon English and at first I was finding it hard. Now 4 years later I love this station. First it's actually tres informative with loads of adverts on malaria treatment and how to protect your children. I also love the news stories about local tins going on in Nigeria. Case in point (embarrassing really as the guy is from my village area)guy has Mango tree in his garden and tis the season, these days many are found with sticks, stones and climbing to get at the good stuff. My guy decided however that sticks, stones and climbing were way to pedestrian for him so he got out his gun and started shooting the mango's!!!! WTF. Clearly he hadn't thought it through (you think?) coz you mango's not really big enough to weed out the shrapnel and get enough of the good stuff. This story only made the news however coz the gun backfired and killed him!!!!
My people, my people!!!!
My people, my people!!!!
Dust cloud the single chick maker
Can't believe what a small world it is. There are enough of us over here with our men stuck in London coz of some volcano in Iceland!!!!
I heard a story today about some poor chick, single mama who left her baby at home with nanny as she was planning a quick turn around to go sort out her ill mama in London. Talk about best laid plans.
My boy is not scheduled to come back for a good 10 days. Curse you volcano in Iceland.
I heard a story today about some poor chick, single mama who left her baby at home with nanny as she was planning a quick turn around to go sort out her ill mama in London. Talk about best laid plans.
My boy is not scheduled to come back for a good 10 days. Curse you volcano in Iceland.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sometimes the things you see while chilling in your car
Those of you who know me will know that I am no good to man, God or beast before noon. So messed up hormonally and otherwise am I in the hours before noon that I have to censor what I see and do.
Example. I do not read or watch the news before noon. Why? When I was working in London I, like every other commuter, used to devour the free METRO newspaper on my way into the office in the morning. I used to find however that I would be induced to TEARS (yes the shame) over some stupid human interest fodder that they had put in there. You know boy looses his life after saving little sister in fire etc etc!!!
Exhibit 2, I had to ban stupid channels like the Hallmark and the recently added to our MNet bouquet Universal channel. All those bloody tear jerking made for television movies with that chick from little house on the prairie used to do me in.
I don't know why this is but I respect it as so and I have taken steps to minimise my early morning traumas.
Imagine then if you will, I have dropped of the pickni at school, its about a quarter to 9 now and I am whizzing down Akin adesola when I see a guy in the central reservation. Whats wrong with that I hear you ask? Well I want to take you through the steps my poor, sluggish, hormonally challenged brain went through to the horrid conclusion. I first noted something was wrong because despite standing in the central reservation he did not have that "monitoring on coming traffic" look that one should have when caught in the central reservation. He had the Jacket and tie combo of someone who had somewhere to go but was acting like someone with nowhere to go. Then I noticed he had this vacant and rather disturbing look in his eye as we were passing him. This is where I explain that I was in a 4x4 so elevated off the ground and only observing him from the waist up. His vacant look though prompted me to take a closer look and that's when I saw it. When I say it I mean "it". He had his weaner out and was giving it a good work out right there in the central reservation!!! As an ex health professional I was wondering how this could be. This man had obviously had the wherewithal to get out of bed, put on a suit and head to work this morning...unless that is all part of his psychosis.
MY driver felt he had to explain the finer details of what the poor guy probably did to deserve such a fate. His fave theory was he must have slept with some Yoruba's mans wife (didn't know why he had to go tribal but that's the nature of the beast. I had no business engaging him in conversation).
Not sure what is upsetting me more, the fact that my drivers opinions are views of the vast majority (even my mama had some weird and wonderful theories) or that even if he gets picked up and taken to our psychiatric hospital he will probably be sedated for the rest of his time rather than "treated".
Example. I do not read or watch the news before noon. Why? When I was working in London I, like every other commuter, used to devour the free METRO newspaper on my way into the office in the morning. I used to find however that I would be induced to TEARS (yes the shame) over some stupid human interest fodder that they had put in there. You know boy looses his life after saving little sister in fire etc etc!!!
Exhibit 2, I had to ban stupid channels like the Hallmark and the recently added to our MNet bouquet Universal channel. All those bloody tear jerking made for television movies with that chick from little house on the prairie used to do me in.
I don't know why this is but I respect it as so and I have taken steps to minimise my early morning traumas.
Imagine then if you will, I have dropped of the pickni at school, its about a quarter to 9 now and I am whizzing down Akin adesola when I see a guy in the central reservation. Whats wrong with that I hear you ask? Well I want to take you through the steps my poor, sluggish, hormonally challenged brain went through to the horrid conclusion. I first noted something was wrong because despite standing in the central reservation he did not have that "monitoring on coming traffic" look that one should have when caught in the central reservation. He had the Jacket and tie combo of someone who had somewhere to go but was acting like someone with nowhere to go. Then I noticed he had this vacant and rather disturbing look in his eye as we were passing him. This is where I explain that I was in a 4x4 so elevated off the ground and only observing him from the waist up. His vacant look though prompted me to take a closer look and that's when I saw it. When I say it I mean "it". He had his weaner out and was giving it a good work out right there in the central reservation!!! As an ex health professional I was wondering how this could be. This man had obviously had the wherewithal to get out of bed, put on a suit and head to work this morning...unless that is all part of his psychosis.
MY driver felt he had to explain the finer details of what the poor guy probably did to deserve such a fate. His fave theory was he must have slept with some Yoruba's mans wife (didn't know why he had to go tribal but that's the nature of the beast. I had no business engaging him in conversation).
Not sure what is upsetting me more, the fact that my drivers opinions are views of the vast majority (even my mama had some weird and wonderful theories) or that even if he gets picked up and taken to our psychiatric hospital he will probably be sedated for the rest of his time rather than "treated".
Day light robbery
I decided to have a little cement step built outside my front door. This is the only solution I could come to for the big gaping hole under my front door. I will not traumatise you with the details of why I had a sudden emergency need to block up that whole. Those of you living in Nigeria will know exactly why. Those of you not, lets just say it had four legs, fur and went squeak the bastard.
Anyway my houseboy just came to me and told me it going to cost 2k!!! Bloody cheek!I know the guy was doing some work downstairs in the building and he borrowed (stole) the materials from there. I told my house boy to go tell him to behave. Houseboy comes back with, well he said he will do it for 1.5k but that's only because we speak the same language!!!! What does that mean for crying out loud. My mama who lives on the mainland is appalled at how expensive everything is on the Island. As soon as blue collared (too funny to call them that here as most wear dirty white wife beaters if anything at all) workers come to the island they triple their prices on account of all the money trees Islanders have in their back yards!!!!!
Anyway my houseboy just came to me and told me it going to cost 2k!!! Bloody cheek!I know the guy was doing some work downstairs in the building and he borrowed (stole) the materials from there. I told my house boy to go tell him to behave. Houseboy comes back with, well he said he will do it for 1.5k but that's only because we speak the same language!!!! What does that mean for crying out loud. My mama who lives on the mainland is appalled at how expensive everything is on the Island. As soon as blue collared (too funny to call them that here as most wear dirty white wife beaters if anything at all) workers come to the island they triple their prices on account of all the money trees Islanders have in their back yards!!!!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
My mama the hypocrite!!!!
The boy has been away for for a bit of a break (from me no doubt)and as usual I have collected my mama from her comfy home and brought her over to mine. My reasons are long and convoluted but can be distilled to the fact that since having my pickni I refuse to be the responsible adult on duty.
This morning, as I was tucking into tea and toast, she was getting agitated that my pickni was going to be late for school. Basically the pickni was ready and it was 8am and school starts at 8.30. She was going on about how she didn't want her grand baby suffering the humiliation of walking into class when all her classmates were already busy at school work(the pickni is 2 so I thought this was a bit much). She painted a grim picture (she is the original drama queen and if you knew me you would know I must have gotten it from somewhere). I finally had to break down and confess that although the gates at her school open at 8.30, school does not start till 9 but I could not let my staff know this (driver and nanny) so they would get her to school on time. I went on further to assure her that after the trauma of my childhood I would never take her to school late or pick her up late. At this point she wanted to know what childhood trauma I was referring too so I had to remind her.
I have one of the worst memories on the planet but one thing I do remember clearly was that before being sent off to boarding school my mother used to drop me off at school late EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! Having a mouth on me when my teacher used to tell me off (being about 7 years of age) I would remind her that there wasn't much I could do as its not like I was the one driving or anything. My mother went on about how it was hard being a single mother but I was having none of it. I was so fed up of getting punished for it that I actually remember after we had watched the nine o'clock news (now I think about it what was I doing up so late), I would beg my mum to go to bed so we could get to school on time. Finally we were outside the school gate this fateful day and I said I was not getting out of the car coz my teacher was going to punish me. My mama thought I was exaggerating but I was adamant that I was not getting out of the car, so she promised to come in and explain to the teacher. I got out of the car and she went off to park the car but by the time she got into the class room to explain to the teacher I was already facing the corner on my knees with my hands in the air!!!!!
Happy days.
This morning, as I was tucking into tea and toast, she was getting agitated that my pickni was going to be late for school. Basically the pickni was ready and it was 8am and school starts at 8.30. She was going on about how she didn't want her grand baby suffering the humiliation of walking into class when all her classmates were already busy at school work(the pickni is 2 so I thought this was a bit much). She painted a grim picture (she is the original drama queen and if you knew me you would know I must have gotten it from somewhere). I finally had to break down and confess that although the gates at her school open at 8.30, school does not start till 9 but I could not let my staff know this (driver and nanny) so they would get her to school on time. I went on further to assure her that after the trauma of my childhood I would never take her to school late or pick her up late. At this point she wanted to know what childhood trauma I was referring too so I had to remind her.
I have one of the worst memories on the planet but one thing I do remember clearly was that before being sent off to boarding school my mother used to drop me off at school late EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! Having a mouth on me when my teacher used to tell me off (being about 7 years of age) I would remind her that there wasn't much I could do as its not like I was the one driving or anything. My mother went on about how it was hard being a single mother but I was having none of it. I was so fed up of getting punished for it that I actually remember after we had watched the nine o'clock news (now I think about it what was I doing up so late), I would beg my mum to go to bed so we could get to school on time. Finally we were outside the school gate this fateful day and I said I was not getting out of the car coz my teacher was going to punish me. My mama thought I was exaggerating but I was adamant that I was not getting out of the car, so she promised to come in and explain to the teacher. I got out of the car and she went off to park the car but by the time she got into the class room to explain to the teacher I was already facing the corner on my knees with my hands in the air!!!!!
Happy days.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Clash of the Titans and the crackberry
Just watched it and loved it.
Nothing original but I took my mum and she practically jumped out of her chairs in excitement. Plus I want to marry Perseus.
But seriously, the boy has sworn off going to the cinema in Lasgiddy coz people are so badly behaved in the cinema. They talk to each other, they narrate the movie (which I occasionally find tres funny actually, especially in an action comedy movie) and they talk on their mobile phone!!!!
Hello"" (Pause)
"Hello can you hear me" (Pause)
"I'm in the cinema I'm watching that movie with Brad Pitt in it." (pause)
"O wa very good oh. The special effects are gen gen. So whats up?"
"No I can't make it blah blah blah."
A full scale conversation will ensue or better still the whole film is narrated over the phone.
The last time I forced the boy to come with me to watch a movie we were unfortunate to be in there with a teenage birthday party. Birthday girl was getting nuff calls and answering them with squeals of delight and telling everyone where she was etc etc. The boy (and he's a big one) got up out of his chair and evicted her, it was hilarious really.
Now the mobile phone has been taken over by the crackberry. I personally do not know why I would spend my hard earned money to go watch a movie and spend the whole time bb messaging someone else. If you had somewhere better to be then be there.
Missy behind us kept beep beep beeping and texting till I had to turn around and give her a gimlet stare. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that it was totally wasted on her (my gimlet stares are legendary and rarely need a follow up) so my friend had to let rip with "excuse me, we are trying to watch a movie over here or didn't you notice!!".
Slowly though society is fighting back against the crackberry bad manners. I heard some gist today I want to share with you both starring the crackberry.
1. Little girl driving big car run over buy GMC truck, killed, found holding her crackberry...true story.
2. Night out drinking, missy in the corner busy on crackberry ignoring everybody else at the table. Suddenly everybody on her table gets up and moves to the next table. Missy gets up to going them totally confused as to why everyone moved over. On arriving at new table the alpha dog said "Sorry, you can't sit here"
"What do you mean?"
"You clearly have something more important to be discussing so please go back to it."
"No it's not that"
"Don't care. You are too rude and you will not ruin our evening so go back to the other table and face your bb squarely!!"
Love it
Nothing original but I took my mum and she practically jumped out of her chairs in excitement. Plus I want to marry Perseus.
But seriously, the boy has sworn off going to the cinema in Lasgiddy coz people are so badly behaved in the cinema. They talk to each other, they narrate the movie (which I occasionally find tres funny actually, especially in an action comedy movie) and they talk on their mobile phone!!!!
Hello"" (Pause)
"Hello can you hear me" (Pause)
"I'm in the cinema I'm watching that movie with Brad Pitt in it." (pause)
"O wa very good oh. The special effects are gen gen. So whats up?"
"No I can't make it blah blah blah."
A full scale conversation will ensue or better still the whole film is narrated over the phone.
The last time I forced the boy to come with me to watch a movie we were unfortunate to be in there with a teenage birthday party. Birthday girl was getting nuff calls and answering them with squeals of delight and telling everyone where she was etc etc. The boy (and he's a big one) got up out of his chair and evicted her, it was hilarious really.
Now the mobile phone has been taken over by the crackberry. I personally do not know why I would spend my hard earned money to go watch a movie and spend the whole time bb messaging someone else. If you had somewhere better to be then be there.
Missy behind us kept beep beep beeping and texting till I had to turn around and give her a gimlet stare. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that it was totally wasted on her (my gimlet stares are legendary and rarely need a follow up) so my friend had to let rip with "excuse me, we are trying to watch a movie over here or didn't you notice!!".
Slowly though society is fighting back against the crackberry bad manners. I heard some gist today I want to share with you both starring the crackberry.
1. Little girl driving big car run over buy GMC truck, killed, found holding her crackberry...true story.
2. Night out drinking, missy in the corner busy on crackberry ignoring everybody else at the table. Suddenly everybody on her table gets up and moves to the next table. Missy gets up to going them totally confused as to why everyone moved over. On arriving at new table the alpha dog said "Sorry, you can't sit here"
"What do you mean?"
"You clearly have something more important to be discussing so please go back to it."
"No it's not that"
"Don't care. You are too rude and you will not ruin our evening so go back to the other table and face your bb squarely!!"
Love it
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Up in the club - part 1
Saw this on an episode of Seinfeld once so gonna give it a go.
10am
"Mummy's head hurts honey, quiet indoor voice.
5.30 am
Gratefully got into bed and allowed the a/c to blast my weary body.
45 mins before
"Mr driver, make sure you take your madam home oh. Do not pass go, do not collect 200!! Even if she tells you to take her somewhere else"
8 mins before
My girl "Do you think it's a bad idea to wake my house girl? I'm feeling like some stew"
"Don't do it girl, she's only going to spit in it, it's past 4 in the morning."
"Oh, I 'm so hungry I wish I had ordered food. My head is spinning, alcohol is bad"
"Just drink water and go to sleep you'll be fine"
5 mins before that
My girl and I shakily make our way out of club down ankle breaking metal 'fire escape' type stairs. I'm so busy trying to keep one foot in front of the other it takes a while for me to realise I'm talking to thin air. I wait in the wobbly, standing still dance one adopts when under the influence.
"Girl where did you go?"
"Sorry, just wanted to check if they were still selling food. I've got to soak up this alcohol. Alcohol is bad."
1 hour before
"let's get another bottle of Hennassy."
"Girl are you kidding, the rooms spinning already"
"Oh come on, you'll be alright, alcohol is good." And off she trotted.
30 mins before
Two funny looking guys have laid siege in our corner. I'm thoroughly regretting not wearing my wedding ring at this point.
Funny looking guy 1 to my girl "I really like your watch"
REALLY
"Thank you"
"Do you come here often"
REALLY
"No"
"Come and dance with me "
reaches his hands out and attempts sexy.
"No"
Turns around and rolls eyes at me.
5mins before that
Good looking friend of my girl comes over and says to her
"I like your friend"
"She's married"
"So"
as he walks away she says to me
"That guy right there is dangerous"
Me "I could tell by his biceps and his pecs"
"Naughty!!"
1 hour before downstairs at the bar
My girl to the bar guy "Can we have a glass of wine and a Hennessy and coke"
"Sorry we only sell by the bottle"
(WTF,. this is an annoying new development sweeping across the Lagos tristate area. You can only buy bottles of vino, grey goose, hennessy or bloody champers. What a joke, they just don't want the average guy to go out and have a drink anymore. Its bloody elitist and is going to lead to an increase in domestic violence you mark my words)
Me "Should we get a bottle of wine"
"no, I don't drink wine"
huh????
"Right, Hennessy it is"
"Don't you think its too much"
"we'll just have to give it a go.
"Coke and lots of ice please"
"Cool"
"lets go back upstairs, music better upstairs"
That's how it all started.
10am
"Mummy's head hurts honey, quiet indoor voice.
5.30 am
Gratefully got into bed and allowed the a/c to blast my weary body.
45 mins before
"Mr driver, make sure you take your madam home oh. Do not pass go, do not collect 200!! Even if she tells you to take her somewhere else"
8 mins before
My girl "Do you think it's a bad idea to wake my house girl? I'm feeling like some stew"
"Don't do it girl, she's only going to spit in it, it's past 4 in the morning."
"Oh, I 'm so hungry I wish I had ordered food. My head is spinning, alcohol is bad"
"Just drink water and go to sleep you'll be fine"
5 mins before that
My girl and I shakily make our way out of club down ankle breaking metal 'fire escape' type stairs. I'm so busy trying to keep one foot in front of the other it takes a while for me to realise I'm talking to thin air. I wait in the wobbly, standing still dance one adopts when under the influence.
"Girl where did you go?"
"Sorry, just wanted to check if they were still selling food. I've got to soak up this alcohol. Alcohol is bad."
1 hour before
"let's get another bottle of Hennassy."
"Girl are you kidding, the rooms spinning already"
"Oh come on, you'll be alright, alcohol is good." And off she trotted.
30 mins before
Two funny looking guys have laid siege in our corner. I'm thoroughly regretting not wearing my wedding ring at this point.
Funny looking guy 1 to my girl "I really like your watch"
REALLY
"Thank you"
"Do you come here often"
REALLY
"No"
"Come and dance with me "
reaches his hands out and attempts sexy.
"No"
Turns around and rolls eyes at me.
5mins before that
Good looking friend of my girl comes over and says to her
"I like your friend"
"She's married"
"So"
as he walks away she says to me
"That guy right there is dangerous"
Me "I could tell by his biceps and his pecs"
"Naughty!!"
1 hour before downstairs at the bar
My girl to the bar guy "Can we have a glass of wine and a Hennessy and coke"
"Sorry we only sell by the bottle"
(WTF,. this is an annoying new development sweeping across the Lagos tristate area. You can only buy bottles of vino, grey goose, hennessy or bloody champers. What a joke, they just don't want the average guy to go out and have a drink anymore. Its bloody elitist and is going to lead to an increase in domestic violence you mark my words)
Me "Should we get a bottle of wine"
"no, I don't drink wine"
huh????
"Right, Hennessy it is"
"Don't you think its too much"
"we'll just have to give it a go.
"Coke and lots of ice please"
"Cool"
"lets go back upstairs, music better upstairs"
That's how it all started.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Nigerian women aggressive?????
I have been meaning to air my view on this for a long time and I must start by saying I was one of those people who would tell all and sundry that "Nigerian girls are aggressive".
I am not sure what happened to me last night but its like I had an epiphany. I was sat with friends and family and tongues were loose from the vino that had been flowing for hours. I was surrounded, it turns out, by a whole load of expat wives (if you can call them that, most have been chilling in Nigeria for longer than I have been alive). The newbie to the posse had just arrived in the lasgiddy tri state area (about 6 weeks) and she was eagerly pumping all of us about all sorts of things to make life in Nigeria more manageable for her. Next question "Is it true that Nigerian women are really aggressive when it comes to men" I think at this point I inhaled deeply and replied "I am done promoting that stereotype. All women can be aggressive when they go after what they want."
This was met with such a chorus of negative abuse that my hackles raised immediately and it was going to be damn hard for anyone to move me from my stand point.
I was especially surprised by the passion with which people tried to change my view. Someone suggested it was the poverty aspect that led girls to jump on any man married, single or gay in such a desperate manner. I think one of my aunty's exclaimed righteously that "there is no poverty in the west". That one I could not let fly. I said, with all protocols observed, "I don't know what part of the world you come from but I have been all over it and the common denominator is poverty" She may have attempted to be upset for a bit after that but the convo died a natural death and we all moved on.
Then I got to thinking.
First perhaps I have to give you my "why Nigerians are NOTORIOUS all over the world" theory and then explain how this applies to the Nigerian aggressive woman debate. It all stems from the same thing. I'm going to go slow on this but follow me, this one is a doozy!!!!
First I will start with listing the genetically imprinted personality traits of the average Nigerian.
1. We are too bloody clever for our own good.
2. We like Good tins!!!
Expanding on point 1.
We are too clever for our own good has put a token Nigerian topping the lists of INTERPOL, Americas most wanted, CIA, FBI, MI5 or is it 6!!! What I am getting at is that we can't help ourselves. We always find a way to get money that does not belong to us. We learn how to crack bank codes, impersonate other people and con people out of their life savings. We are always one step ahead of most Gov agencies and therefore now have a well earned reputation not to be trusted with all things money related (Oprah felt it important to warn the American public about Nigerian con artists and how we think they are all Mugus but that's another story). This leads us nicely unto point 2.
We like good tins. Do we always want to work for it? No!!! Usually the average Nigerian is waiting for someone to deliver them from their condition (stole that one from a friend). If it's a family member that made it big then he or she best be sending money home. If its parents with money then the entitlement to their money is so strong that if said parents are not forthcoming they are considered evil (never mind that they probably worked damned hard for it and are trying to enjoy a well deserved retirement)and if none of the above is the case and you find 419 not really your cup of tea and you are a woman, then it's time to find a rich man to look after you. Going to school (bad education system) and finding a job (well that's just work isn't it) and earning for yourself are just not an attractive option.
This leads me nicely to the aggressive woman. We the Nigerian woman did not invent the GOLDDIGGER it is a condition as old as time. What we have done is apply point 1 and 2 to this situation which makes it seem a little excessive to some.
I for one have never gone hungry (I thank God for that everyday). I have never had to be envious of anybody coz they had more than me. I went to a damn good school and had fabulous live experiences. I cannot imagine living in a situation where you have to hustle for food, no light, no water unrelenting hustling to make it through the day and no end in sight. You are perhaps not getting an education and all the other hardships of poverty are getting to you.
If you are a, dare I say trailer trash girl from the "West" you may not be as concerned as the Nigerian chick living in poverty, why?
You have welfare, basic medical is covered, school is free. So as long as you have your pack of fags and a bar you can spend your money in the desperation to get out of your situation may be some what reduced.
Miss Nigeria has no such advantage plus she wants the life she sees on television and she is going to get it and she does not care if the man is your husband. You can see where I am going with this. I rest my case.
I am not sure what happened to me last night but its like I had an epiphany. I was sat with friends and family and tongues were loose from the vino that had been flowing for hours. I was surrounded, it turns out, by a whole load of expat wives (if you can call them that, most have been chilling in Nigeria for longer than I have been alive). The newbie to the posse had just arrived in the lasgiddy tri state area (about 6 weeks) and she was eagerly pumping all of us about all sorts of things to make life in Nigeria more manageable for her. Next question "Is it true that Nigerian women are really aggressive when it comes to men" I think at this point I inhaled deeply and replied "I am done promoting that stereotype. All women can be aggressive when they go after what they want."
This was met with such a chorus of negative abuse that my hackles raised immediately and it was going to be damn hard for anyone to move me from my stand point.
I was especially surprised by the passion with which people tried to change my view. Someone suggested it was the poverty aspect that led girls to jump on any man married, single or gay in such a desperate manner. I think one of my aunty's exclaimed righteously that "there is no poverty in the west". That one I could not let fly. I said, with all protocols observed, "I don't know what part of the world you come from but I have been all over it and the common denominator is poverty" She may have attempted to be upset for a bit after that but the convo died a natural death and we all moved on.
Then I got to thinking.
First perhaps I have to give you my "why Nigerians are NOTORIOUS all over the world" theory and then explain how this applies to the Nigerian aggressive woman debate. It all stems from the same thing. I'm going to go slow on this but follow me, this one is a doozy!!!!
First I will start with listing the genetically imprinted personality traits of the average Nigerian.
1. We are too bloody clever for our own good.
2. We like Good tins!!!
Expanding on point 1.
We are too clever for our own good has put a token Nigerian topping the lists of INTERPOL, Americas most wanted, CIA, FBI, MI5 or is it 6!!! What I am getting at is that we can't help ourselves. We always find a way to get money that does not belong to us. We learn how to crack bank codes, impersonate other people and con people out of their life savings. We are always one step ahead of most Gov agencies and therefore now have a well earned reputation not to be trusted with all things money related (Oprah felt it important to warn the American public about Nigerian con artists and how we think they are all Mugus but that's another story). This leads us nicely unto point 2.
We like good tins. Do we always want to work for it? No!!! Usually the average Nigerian is waiting for someone to deliver them from their condition (stole that one from a friend). If it's a family member that made it big then he or she best be sending money home. If its parents with money then the entitlement to their money is so strong that if said parents are not forthcoming they are considered evil (never mind that they probably worked damned hard for it and are trying to enjoy a well deserved retirement)and if none of the above is the case and you find 419 not really your cup of tea and you are a woman, then it's time to find a rich man to look after you. Going to school (bad education system) and finding a job (well that's just work isn't it) and earning for yourself are just not an attractive option.
This leads me nicely to the aggressive woman. We the Nigerian woman did not invent the GOLDDIGGER it is a condition as old as time. What we have done is apply point 1 and 2 to this situation which makes it seem a little excessive to some.
I for one have never gone hungry (I thank God for that everyday). I have never had to be envious of anybody coz they had more than me. I went to a damn good school and had fabulous live experiences. I cannot imagine living in a situation where you have to hustle for food, no light, no water unrelenting hustling to make it through the day and no end in sight. You are perhaps not getting an education and all the other hardships of poverty are getting to you.
If you are a, dare I say trailer trash girl from the "West" you may not be as concerned as the Nigerian chick living in poverty, why?
You have welfare, basic medical is covered, school is free. So as long as you have your pack of fags and a bar you can spend your money in the desperation to get out of your situation may be some what reduced.
Miss Nigeria has no such advantage plus she wants the life she sees on television and she is going to get it and she does not care if the man is your husband. You can see where I am going with this. I rest my case.
Le Carnival
I don't really know what to say about this. It is not the first time nor will it be the last time that the lasgiddy tri state area will be brought to a standstill for a "carnival".
I watched some of it out of the window of my flat and I must admit it looked like a lot of time and effort went into it, so not really trying to takeaway from the regular folk who worked hard.
Its just that on deeper reflection I can't help but be upset by a few little things
1. The horrendous traffic.
There is a red bus that I have been using as an indicator of just how bad it is and they have been chilling in the same spot for 3 hours I kid you not. In the defence of Lagos state, people were told the route and told to park themselves at home. It is just a tad surprising to me that SO MANY did not heed this warning.
2. I was always under the impression that carnivals of this sort had a multiple function.
First to entertain the common folk (God forgive me) and secondly to generate MONEY.
I was thinking along the lines of the mardi gras, Notting hill carnival, The Love parades and of course Brazil. People come from all over the WORLD. They take up rooms in hotels, they spend all that fab money on the locals and the country is the better for it. You have to spend a little to get alot in these cases but here in lasgiddy.......we just spent alot and certain people went home laughing.
Do not get me started on the rumours that have been going around. Some people were given millions (make that tens of thousands for those of you used to sterling) to bring feathers into my country!!! Feathers I hear you say? Yes feathers. We have no light, no drinkable water, no security, no decent roads, no health care system I can go on and people are getting paid to bring in feathers. Money that I think would have been better spent at some of the orphanages perhaps.
Sometimes I think there really need to be an anti Lagos state government who goes around acting like a mother does sometime, spoiling all the fun. No you can't do that fun amazing thing coz boring ass things like fixing the drainage system on a major arterial road has to come first!!!!!!
I watched some of it out of the window of my flat and I must admit it looked like a lot of time and effort went into it, so not really trying to takeaway from the regular folk who worked hard.
Its just that on deeper reflection I can't help but be upset by a few little things
1. The horrendous traffic.
There is a red bus that I have been using as an indicator of just how bad it is and they have been chilling in the same spot for 3 hours I kid you not. In the defence of Lagos state, people were told the route and told to park themselves at home. It is just a tad surprising to me that SO MANY did not heed this warning.
2. I was always under the impression that carnivals of this sort had a multiple function.
First to entertain the common folk (God forgive me) and secondly to generate MONEY.
I was thinking along the lines of the mardi gras, Notting hill carnival, The Love parades and of course Brazil. People come from all over the WORLD. They take up rooms in hotels, they spend all that fab money on the locals and the country is the better for it. You have to spend a little to get alot in these cases but here in lasgiddy.......we just spent alot and certain people went home laughing.
Do not get me started on the rumours that have been going around. Some people were given millions (make that tens of thousands for those of you used to sterling) to bring feathers into my country!!! Feathers I hear you say? Yes feathers. We have no light, no drinkable water, no security, no decent roads, no health care system I can go on and people are getting paid to bring in feathers. Money that I think would have been better spent at some of the orphanages perhaps.
Sometimes I think there really need to be an anti Lagos state government who goes around acting like a mother does sometime, spoiling all the fun. No you can't do that fun amazing thing coz boring ass things like fixing the drainage system on a major arterial road has to come first!!!!!!
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