The shades of grey of crime

I was on the way back from the Gym today, on a new body sculpting regimen that is kicking my ass, so was not at my best. In the periphery I just got the impression that something strange was going on outside. I took a minute to work out what it was and it just seemed that all the street hawkers were doing a rabbit caught in the headlights routine. One minute they were ambling leisurely in my direction (its damn hot so the pace is normal) then they would stop, squint, pivot and belt it back the other way. It was a pitiful sight actually, there was this one woman with her baby on her back and fresh bread on the head but what I really noticed was the abundant breast swinging all over the place. Ou est la bra? I wanted to shout at her, but as you will soon see this was the least of her problems!!!! Having just come from the gym at this point one may have assumed that the eau de sweat I was giving off was a tad overpowering , upon turning around, however I saw a KAI (Kick against indiscipline) truck about 5 cars back and all became clear.

A little history (what a joke I have no idea but I will try and put it in prospective). Nigerians as a race have a reputation for being undisciplined. I am not talking just about in the huge important ways but also in small ways where they live like normal rules of conduct do not apply to them. Example......Cutting in line, not observing road traffic rules (they never wanna let you off the round about) and if we had bothered to follow the rest of the world, we would smoke right under a no smoking sign, its just the type of people we are. Ours is a country were many a times some long suffering landlord will have to paint a sign on the wall that says "please do not piss or defecate here!" If I have my facts right (haha) President Babangida (military ruler) started a movement called 'War against indiscipline'. I was away at school at the time but I remember my brother used to regale me with stories about unfortunate people hijacked mid pee and taken to jail!!!

So KAI, their job involves picking up illegal traders, so our streets can be clear of vermin. I despair though coz honestly I prefer them to at least be trading rather than car jacking etc. I just don't know how these people can get reintegrated into society!!!

My driver though was telling me that so long as you pay them in advance they will give you a heads up of when they will be in your area so you won't be etc etc. Corruption then has managed to get its tentacles into this organisation. Typical.

Those horrid horrid people at the british embassy

The title says it all. I used to be a pharmacist and so had to gain some very effective customer service skills. I can't begin to tell you how irate some patients get when they get to the dispensary and their medication is not ready. I think you can imagine that they have had a nasty day and all they want to do is get home and you are telling them there is a 30 min to 1 hour wait time. At this point you are most certainly in danger of physical bodily harm so letting the patient understand that you are doing ALL you can to get them home ASAP is vital.

The people at the British embassy have got it all wrong as far as I am concerned. They are performing a service for you (which you pay for) and therefore you are a customer. Why is it, please tell me that they manage to make you feel like something nasty they have to scrape off their shoe? It is most upsetting. I have never met a more annoying set of uptight, unhelpful, brain dead (I'm not allowed to swear so I'm a little lost for words here).

It's supposed to take 10 working day. I gave my passport in for a simple change of name last month it's still not ready and nobody is trying to make sure its ready for my flight in a few days time. Quelle horrer!!!! Where do they find these inbred people from????? I reckon Nigeria must be a punishment type assignment for embassy personnel as nobody seems happy to be there!!! horrid horrid people.

Who's land is it anyway

Its hard to explain the lack of town planning in the Lagos tristate area. Parking outside of any major establishment is the cause of so much drama and road rage. This is one of the many reasons why most people need a driver. He drops you where you need to go, finds somewhere nearby to perch your car, plays musical cars with any other person at your establishment and then you call him to come get you when you are done.

This being Nigeria the local element have found a way to capitalise on this and they come out in their droves to "helpfully" park your car and "look after it" while you are in say the club or the cinema. You may have noticed the inverted commas....Let me tell you why.

I say helpfully coz most of these people can't drive, they yell all sorts of instructions at you and physically assault your car in their bid to get you parked. I hate parking and I am often get myself in quite a state trying to squeeze my car into a space my big toe couldn't get into. Now when you are reversing out into traffic they leap out there and stop the traffic so that you can get out. Or so you think. I was being directed to come out and I was doing so slowly but must admit I could see nothing of the oncoming traffic. The first I knew that I should not have taken this perfect strangers advice was when my car hit some other chaps. Luckily for me that day I was in some hot pants (I know but its just so damn hot) with big hair and big sunnys so when I came out looking like the heroine in a tragic movie saying "I am so sorry" the bloke took one look at me, shook his head in despair and got back into his car and drove off. Clearly he knew there would be no satisfaction gained from yelling at the dizzy girl so he left it!!!

Back to the parking. Often when you have come out of an establishment (this was silverbird cinemas on this particular day) you get into your car and it's immediately surrounded by the local talents claiming they helped you park and fought off a gang of car jackers on your behalf. Then you have to start looking for a suitable size tip for all their hard work. My driver usually directs me as to who the real "helpful" person was and then, if I have change, I give them a little something something. On this day in particular the chap was being terrible obnoxious and rude (they are borderline this all the time really they have an air of entitlement) my driver got so upset he finally told the guy to "clear out my friend, is it by force to give you money? What did you do" The guy was threatening us with never finding parking in the lasgiddy tristate area when my driver cut in with "Is this your land". I don't know why I thought this was so funny but I was laughing the whole way home.,

Rain rain go away

I'm sure the farmers won't agree coz the rainy season has been decidedly absent thus far but it has come with a vengeance. It looked like a white out this afternoon and I had a glasses contact lens emergency that sent me to the optician. I could see the traffic on the major roads but I thought as I was only going 200 yards down my road and not hitting any major arterial roads it would be all good. How wrong was I? I took me a solid hour to get there. The flooding was terrible. Just glad my air conditioning was working and I had packed a book. This is it you know the beginning of the next few months of misery!!!

WAZOBIA mango story

I remember when I first came to Nigeria I actually couldn't understand the DJ's on wazobia (Come come come in the 3 main local dialects Yoruba, Hausa and Igbo in that order, clever I always thought). They speak proper pigeon English and at first I was finding it hard. Now 4 years later I love this station. First it's actually tres informative with loads of adverts on malaria treatment and how to protect your children. I also love the news stories about local tins going on in Nigeria. Case in point (embarrassing really as the guy is from my village area)guy has Mango tree in his garden and tis the season, these days many are found with sticks, stones and climbing to get at the good stuff. My guy decided however that sticks, stones and climbing were way to pedestrian for him so he got out his gun and started shooting the mango's!!!! WTF. Clearly he hadn't thought it through (you think?) coz you mango's not really big enough to weed out the shrapnel and get enough of the good stuff. This story only made the news however coz the gun backfired and killed him!!!!

My people, my people!!!!

Dust cloud the single chick maker

Can't believe what a small world it is. There are enough of us over here with our men stuck in London coz of some volcano in Iceland!!!!

I heard a story today about some poor chick, single mama who left her baby at home with nanny as she was planning a quick turn around to go sort out her ill mama in London. Talk about best laid plans.

My boy is not scheduled to come back for a good 10 days. Curse you volcano in Iceland.

Sometimes the things you see while chilling in your car

Those of you who know me will know that I am no good to man, God or beast before noon. So messed up hormonally and otherwise am I in the hours before noon that I have to censor what I see and do.

Example. I do not read or watch the news before noon. Why? When I was working in London I, like every other commuter, used to devour the free METRO newspaper on my way into the office in the morning. I used to find however that I would be induced to TEARS (yes the shame) over some stupid human interest fodder that they had put in there. You know boy looses his life after saving little sister in fire etc etc!!!

Exhibit 2, I had to ban stupid channels like the Hallmark and the recently added to our MNet bouquet Universal channel. All those bloody tear jerking made for television movies with that chick from little house on the prairie used to do me in.

I don't know why this is but I respect it as so and I have taken steps to minimise my early morning traumas.

Imagine then if you will, I have dropped of the pickni at school, its about a quarter to 9 now and I am whizzing down Akin adesola when I see a guy in the central reservation. Whats wrong with that I hear you ask? Well I want to take you through the steps my poor, sluggish, hormonally challenged brain went through to the horrid conclusion. I first noted something was wrong because despite standing in the central reservation he did not have that "monitoring on coming traffic" look that one should have when caught in the central reservation. He had the Jacket and tie combo of someone who had somewhere to go but was acting like someone with nowhere to go. Then I noticed he had this vacant and rather disturbing look in his eye as we were passing him. This is where I explain that I was in a 4x4 so elevated off the ground and only observing him from the waist up. His vacant look though prompted me to take a closer look and that's when I saw it. When I say it I mean "it". He had his weaner out and was giving it a good work out right there in the central reservation!!! As an ex health professional I was wondering how this could be. This man had obviously had the wherewithal to get out of bed, put on a suit and head to work this morning...unless that is all part of his psychosis.
MY driver felt he had to explain the finer details of what the poor guy probably did to deserve such a fate. His fave theory was he must have slept with some Yoruba's mans wife (didn't know why he had to go tribal but that's the nature of the beast. I had no business engaging him in conversation).

Not sure what is upsetting me more, the fact that my drivers opinions are views of the vast majority (even my mama had some weird and wonderful theories) or that even if he gets picked up and taken to our psychiatric hospital he will probably be sedated for the rest of his time rather than "treated".